Helmer and UKIP - a match made in heaven or a mere flight of fancy?

UKIP may have haemorrhaged party members and MEPs since 2004, but perhaps help is at hand from an unlikely source - step forward the Tories' answer to Godfrey Bloom, the egregious Roger Helmer MEP. Mr Helmer is, like most UKIP MEPs, a climate change denier who told Tory party conference, "You either believe it or you don't, ….and in my case, I don't!", adding "this whole issue has got completely out of hand. It has become a new religion. You have to believe it. If you do not believe it, you are a heretic. They would like to burn us at the stake - using recycled faggots!"

Furthermore, as a member of Better Off Out and the deeply-ironically named Freedom Association, Helmer is surely a u-kipper in disguise.

Or maybe not…

Perhaps this less than flattering article from UKIP MEP Jeffrey Titford is the reason why Helmer remains a recalcitrant Tory happiest embarrassing his party leader rather than a fully-fledged u-kipper.

UKIPs poor show

Came across this piece of comedy gold on YouTube from the pro-referendum rally at the weekend. You've got to love Nigel Farage's spinning of the risible turnout of a few hundred hardened europhobes, including a number of activists from the BNP and the British Communist party. Not surprising when the main speakers are Gerard (Enoch) Batten, Nigel and Roger Helmer - but even UKIP have more than a few more members than this (or have they).

Watch out for a mighty performance from Devil's Kitchen, demonstrating again why he (and his UKIP colleagues) are clearly suffering from an advanced sense of paranoia and need to have a good lie down before entering reality again. Honestly....mad as a march hare.

Gerard Batten - UKIPs Enoch Powell

Yesterday the European Parliament saw UKIPs Gerard Batten try to stake out his claim as Enoch Powell's spiritual heir during a debate on Serbia's relations with the EU.

In one passage he complained that if Serbia joined the EU, this would "import their historic hatreds and blood feuds onto British soil". He also referred to Britain being "swamped with immigrants and asylum seekers". Echoes of 'rivers of blood' methinks…

Mr Batten would do well to listen to the words of Paddy Ashdown (who, unlike the hapless Gerard, knows a thing or two about the Balkans) who described EU-Western Balkans relations as "unfinished business" adding that using the internal market as an incentive to force political reform in the Western Balkans is "the genius of Europe", while Nobel Peace Prize winner John Hume described the EU as "the best example in the history of the world of conflict resolution".

Still, it's much easier just to come out with prejudiced diatribes and scare stories about Britain being taken over by immigrants and ridden with ethnic violence than it is to be constructive....

So how many of our laws are decided at EU level? Depends which u-kipper you ask...

Nigel Farage's recent claim that 75% of UK laws are made in 'Brussels' has intrigued UKIPwatcher.

UKIP wannabe Roger Helmer (the Godfrey Bloom of the Tory party) claimed on the Better Off Out website that the true figure is 80%.

Even more curiously, UKIP MEP Mike Nattrass is convinced that, in fact, a stonking 90% of UK laws come from the EU, a full 30% more than UKIP leadership contender and current Deputy Leader David Campbell-Bannerman. UKIP Scotland claims that it is in fact 80%. So there you have it, as far as UKIP are concerned it could be anywhere between 60-90% - depending on who you ask.

The most recent report by the House of Commons library estimated that 9% of UK legislation is decided at EU level. Perhaps the Commons library will publish another report to end this nonsense once and for all.

It seems that every time u-kippers are asked this question they pick a number a random. Perhaps UKIP can just decide on a figure and stick to it - the current farce may be fun for the onlooker, but is little more than a political version of pin the tail on the donkey.

UKIP's new finance guru

The news that UKIP have appointed Marta Andreasen as their new accountant is a delicious piece of irony. Never let be said that these clowns don't have a sense of humour.

Nigel Farage, king of understatement said that UKIP had endured "some unfortunate events in recent months" - too right, Ashley Mote's in jail for benefit fraud, Tom Wise has been suspended (and then unsuspended) pending investigation into embezzlement charges, while Farage has spent most of the year making court appearances as part of his party's long running battle with the Electoral Commission (lest we forget, the Electoral Commission ruled that £360,000 of UKIP donations were "impermissible" and criticised UKIP for handing in its accounts over a year late).

Ms Andreasen once described UKIPs multi-million budget as "an open till waiting to be robbed" (oh sorry, I meant the Commission). Given the somewhat neanderthal attitude of prominent UKIP MEPs towards women she will have her work cut out.

Still, best of luck to you Marta. You're going to need it.

Is Tom Wise in UKIP? The saga continues......

The long-running farce over Tom Wise's suspension from UKIP continues. Mr Wise, lest we forget, is currently under investigation for alleged misuse of public money to the tune of around £35k and was suspended from the party by the UKIP NEC in February this year. However, he did not go quietly, criticising the decision which he asserted was "not lawful or binding". Now it appears, that UKIP agrees, stating that (and you've gotta love the quote from the "UKIP spokesman"): "Tom Wise has been unsuspended pending a disciplinary hearing".

This is brilliant, but it gets better. According to the Luton on Sunday, UKIP officials expect Mr Wise to be officially suspended from the party following a disciplinary hearing set to happen in the next couple of weeks!

Sheer genius! UKIP really couldn't run a piss up in a brewery.

UKIP and the BNP - two cheeks of the same arse

The fraternal brotherhood of the British extreme right is not what it should be. At last week's UKIP conference, their comrades from the fascist BNP paid a visit to hand out leaflets and literature to the several hundred delegates. According to the BNP, "a substantial proportion of BNP activists are themselves former UKIP members".

It appears that this selfless act of intellectual enrichment was not welcomed by some of UKIPs younger contingent who "became hysterical and aggressive… ranting and screaming... and tried snatching leaflets out of the hands of UKIP delegates" (sounds like fairly typical UKIP behaviour to anyone who has attended a public meeting with a UKIP speaker).

The bottom line is that UKIP has lost a third of its members since the 2004 election, a quarter of its MEPs have either been suspended, gone AWOL or are in jail, they are the seventh largest party in local government (fewer councillors than the old Liberal party) and not even their own MEPs and officials take their party seriously. Given that UKIP and the BNP have swapped candidates and members for some time now, it is not surprising that the BNP feels that UKIPs vulnerability means they can poach some of their members.

Much as it is stomach turning that the BNP (of all people) have the sheer brass-neck to complain about "thuggish" behaviour by UKIP activists, it serves to remind us that, after all, UKIP and the BNP are two cheeks of the same arse.

Whittaker taken to tribunal

Another day another UKIP MEP hauled before the courts.

A former employee of John Whittaker has taken him to court for constructive dismissal, after her job was reportedly advertised while she was off sick recovering from a stroke. Nice.

The case is ongoing but there is more here on the Lancashire Telegraph's website.

What's the view like from the moral high ground Tom?

As Alisher Usmanov gamely battles to stretch the Premiership's description of a "fit and proper person" further still, his pursuit of Arsenal hasn't passed the canny eye of one MEP who condemned him as a "gangster and racketeer".

And who is this plucky politico? None other than Tom Wise. The same Tom Wise who is currently being investigated by the EU's anti-fraud office for siphoning off about £40,000 of taxpayers' money to his own account.

The whole kettle and pot situation echos Ashley Mote's brave fight against fraud in the EU. Before he was jailed for fraud.

Down in the dumps

There is of course more to politics than the power of personality, which is good news for UKIP as they continue to quietly bumble along.

While not off the radar just yet, UKIP's beloved leader garnered some coverage from an appearance at a fringe meeting at the Lib Dem conference. According to the BBC he was, rather predictably, booed and heckled throughout, behaviour Mr Farage himself would of course never indulge in. Oh.

But at least Nigel made it into the Telegraph's "The Right's 100 Most Influential" but to the dismay of UKIPers he was in at just 48.

Farage finds himself behind such renown right-wing figures as Lib Dem MP Nick Clegg and the director of Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti, which is all rather dull but it's always reassuring to see the Devil's Kitchen has yet to untwist his knickers.

More entertainment awaits because this weekend it's UKIP's conference! See you at the Troxy.